The Twilight Report

I have discovered that if you want people to hang around then it helps to have an optimistic outlook on life. I learned this by observing people and by reading How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Just now, it occurs to me that the inverse corollary to that theorem is that if you want to avoid somebody you should be negative in all your statements when talking to that person. I don't mean be negative about them, mind you, that will just earn you an enemy.

For example, I can't stand Office Mate IV. This is a long tradition with me which goes back to Room Mate I. The only Room Mate I ever got along with was Eric (featured briefly in my story Arizona Fish Story : A Life Less Serious) and the only Office Mate I ever got along with was a girl I had a crush on named E.

Anyway, Office Mate IV walks in just now and says "Any good news?"

"Is there ever any good news?" I ask.

I was actually thinking specifically of The News as in what you read in the paper, or watch on TV (or read on the Internet). Lets face it. Good News doesn't sell so there is no Good News.

"We get Wednesday off." He pointed out.

This for some reason is a big deal to everyone. I am not quite sure why, because every Wednesday before Thanksgiving your manager comes by in the early morning and tells you that you can leave early. It's supposed to be a surprise, but of course it never is. I had decided to circumvent this stupidity this year by just not showing up at all on Wednesday. This year, they told everyone ahead of time, so they beat me to the chase, as it were.

"I was already going to take Wednesday off." I respond, not in a despondent sort of way, but very matter-o-factly.

"I give up then." OM4 says finally and leaves.

"Victory!" I think to myself.

It then occurred to me that this may be a more effective method of dealing with OM4 than putting my ear phones on and turning the volume way up on iTunes. I can remain chipper and optimistic about the future and at the same time exercise my sarcastic wit on OM4. This truly is The Best Of Both Worlds.